Friday, 30 July 2010

Aotearoa part 2

Well summing up six weeks of awesomeness is gunna be hard and make me sound like an arrogant arsehole but when as that stopped me. I v even got the cheek to bulllet point because so much has happened, haha.
. franz joseph - to climb the glacier and walk through some amazing ice tunnels. A mad night with the magic massive for stu's birthday ends with me intending to give up alcohol for the eleventh time in 5 months before i faint a little bit after leaving the 32 degree hot pools into 4 degree winds - smooth.
.Wanaka - Lucky to get there on the eve of ski season for the mahoosive party and dog food eating competetion which ends in a guy liking his own vomit up from the floor. The next day we went hunting for shania twains home and hiking around the lake.
Queenstown - Party capital of the southern hemiphere was madness completed by the legendary FERGBURGER - something which can only be explained by a facial expression i will show anyuone when i return. 134 metre nevis bungy jump was an expensive way to ruin my underwear and meet a guy fropm garden village.
. Dunedin - helping drink the legendary gardi pub dry before its demolishn ended with me getting a ticket for the wales rugby match. Although the all blacks demolished us we saw the welsh forwards from subway, stayecin a harry potter themed hostel and broke my camera.
Lake Tekapo - 15,000 ft sky dive blew my mind i may be the best thing i have ever done.

4 weeks of working for a jewish b and b paid the bills and taught me out to punch the skin of a sheep, prune almond trees and abuse chickens without the owners finding out. Living in a caravan was more an experience than a laugh and nothing like snatch. The little town of coromandel did contain a gang of characters, including a few EX - SAS blokes who loved demonstrating how they d brutally murder someone my size when they werent creating a crocky trail style resort called puzzleworld. The local drunk who thought he was jesus, a gang of Maori who stole and burnt boats and dozens and dozens of bearded rascists.

In all new zealand is a backwards and strange little country that i loved every minute of!!!!

Friday, 16 July 2010

Isle of the long white cloud

I was glad to see the arse of australia as it at well and truely raped my wallet, liver and dignity. New Zealand was the next stop and my geographical ignornace saw me leave the airport in shorts and t shirt (as you sat at home with you BBQs and warm fosters, basterds) - hilarious to everyone else in their thermals and wooly hats. Christchurch was the first stop, a place my nan would love but wasted on an alcoholic pervert like me and the compnay i was keeping. After three days of culture, rock climbing at the YMCA (haha, the song is so true) and discovering the cheapest drink in town was a 3L box of cosmopolitan, i was ready to get on the Magic bus( actual name of company) North.
Kaikora was the first stop and it was stunningly beautiful, but even better on a fishing boat driven by a man with one leg, 6 fingers and a personal vendetta against the sea. Despite my efforts i was quick to learn this man had no social skills but could gut a fish in 10 seconds. I managed to catch a few red cod and catfish before we hauled up the cages with the crayfish. We headed back to his house where we ate our catches, drank a stupid amount of wine and swapped tales of the sea. I woke up in a haze minus my shoes, watch and coat as our bus driver dragged me onto the coach. I swore to god that if i made it through the worse hangover i d ever experienced i'd never drink again and would devote my life to curing AIDs or murdering graham norton.
Nelson was where i found myself on my birthday and as soon as everyone on the coach had found out they set about plotting the quickest and cheapest way to get me paraletic. Tequilla was the simple answer and though im sure it was an awesome night i dont remember much of what happened. Though a german guy who dressed and acted like a stereotypical peado came and sat next to me declaring in his creepy accent that i 'looked like fun!'. desptite the councilling i v started sleeping with a screwdriver.

Friday, 2 July 2010

Filling in the games - part 1 - May in australia

This is my attempt at saving my blog and proving im still alive, so please get youself a cup of tea and pay attention.
Well what happened in may, i found myself spending 3 weeks in Byron bay, working in the arts factory lodge - basically a hot spot for backpackers and traveling bums who love acoustic guitars, bongs and yoga at 5 in the morning. I was also working as a rickshaw taxi driver at night, which turned out to be a money spinning and awesome occupation with unbelievable perks such as half price kebabs. Driving pissed Australians up to the lighthouse, meeting someone from home and away (apparently) and having to go Rambo on two Germans who thought they could ride on my shiny bike, listening to my amazing jokes and enjoying the comfort of my bike AND THEN RUNNING OFF WITHOUT PAYING FOR MY LABOR!!!(found them the next day the shlags) Whilst in Byron i tried surfing but the fact i have no concept of balance and am way too cool for it anyway put an end to that, but our team did when a christian organised beach volleyball competition. After an enlightening day trip to nimbin i awoke for work in a haze, only to discover i had the worst mow-hawk ever created, 36 hours later i was being reunited with my forehead and a shocking tan line.
I fled the bay to coffs harbour, which only tricks tourists into staying due to their enormous banana statue, which was impressive for about a second. I then found myself in Sydney - a really cool and massive city with loads to do, but the opera house is definatley overrated. I then took full advantage of Mouses hospitality in melbourne, the cheeky shit actually has a flat, job and car, even with a face like that. Melbourne was amazing and definatley my favourite place in oz, the night life was mental and obbsessed with sick live music and jugs of snakebite.
With a cheap flight booked to NZ i was gone