Monday, 16 August 2010

Fiji time is the best time!

One of the best weeks of the last 6 months - fiji was amazing. Deciding to couchsurf with a local family was an amazing idea and though I was used as a mule for some cheap duty free i had no complaints when I was welcomed me into his home. The fijians really are the friendliest people alive and spontaneously dance for you, force you into 12 hour Kava (a pounded down root whcih tastes like muddy water and removes any feeling in your legs) sessions and generally mill around in their bula shirts abiding by the strict code of fiji time. Though this concept means you never arrive on time or get what you want you couldn't care less because your in paradise. After two nights with the family they helped me organise a few days away on Mani Island. Four nights apparently passed as we were occupied with Bounty rum, cross dressing and trying to climb coconut trees. We spent a few days fishing, exploring the old set of survivor USA and being chased out of the 5 star japenese resort where the contestants slept. I reluctantly left the island but was invited back by the family for a longer stay where i was made guest of honour at a fijian baptisim, saw an english grammar school get pummeled in rugby and being offered a fijian bride as a novelty souvenir. Loaded with vodka and kava for US customs to find inside me i headed over the pacific and being baffled by the international date line which some how saw us time travel!

Friday, 30 July 2010

Aotearoa part 2

Well summing up six weeks of awesomeness is gunna be hard and make me sound like an arrogant arsehole but when as that stopped me. I v even got the cheek to bulllet point because so much has happened, haha.
. franz joseph - to climb the glacier and walk through some amazing ice tunnels. A mad night with the magic massive for stu's birthday ends with me intending to give up alcohol for the eleventh time in 5 months before i faint a little bit after leaving the 32 degree hot pools into 4 degree winds - smooth.
.Wanaka - Lucky to get there on the eve of ski season for the mahoosive party and dog food eating competetion which ends in a guy liking his own vomit up from the floor. The next day we went hunting for shania twains home and hiking around the lake.
Queenstown - Party capital of the southern hemiphere was madness completed by the legendary FERGBURGER - something which can only be explained by a facial expression i will show anyuone when i return. 134 metre nevis bungy jump was an expensive way to ruin my underwear and meet a guy fropm garden village.
. Dunedin - helping drink the legendary gardi pub dry before its demolishn ended with me getting a ticket for the wales rugby match. Although the all blacks demolished us we saw the welsh forwards from subway, stayecin a harry potter themed hostel and broke my camera.
Lake Tekapo - 15,000 ft sky dive blew my mind i may be the best thing i have ever done.

4 weeks of working for a jewish b and b paid the bills and taught me out to punch the skin of a sheep, prune almond trees and abuse chickens without the owners finding out. Living in a caravan was more an experience than a laugh and nothing like snatch. The little town of coromandel did contain a gang of characters, including a few EX - SAS blokes who loved demonstrating how they d brutally murder someone my size when they werent creating a crocky trail style resort called puzzleworld. The local drunk who thought he was jesus, a gang of Maori who stole and burnt boats and dozens and dozens of bearded rascists.

In all new zealand is a backwards and strange little country that i loved every minute of!!!!

Friday, 16 July 2010

Isle of the long white cloud

I was glad to see the arse of australia as it at well and truely raped my wallet, liver and dignity. New Zealand was the next stop and my geographical ignornace saw me leave the airport in shorts and t shirt (as you sat at home with you BBQs and warm fosters, basterds) - hilarious to everyone else in their thermals and wooly hats. Christchurch was the first stop, a place my nan would love but wasted on an alcoholic pervert like me and the compnay i was keeping. After three days of culture, rock climbing at the YMCA (haha, the song is so true) and discovering the cheapest drink in town was a 3L box of cosmopolitan, i was ready to get on the Magic bus( actual name of company) North.
Kaikora was the first stop and it was stunningly beautiful, but even better on a fishing boat driven by a man with one leg, 6 fingers and a personal vendetta against the sea. Despite my efforts i was quick to learn this man had no social skills but could gut a fish in 10 seconds. I managed to catch a few red cod and catfish before we hauled up the cages with the crayfish. We headed back to his house where we ate our catches, drank a stupid amount of wine and swapped tales of the sea. I woke up in a haze minus my shoes, watch and coat as our bus driver dragged me onto the coach. I swore to god that if i made it through the worse hangover i d ever experienced i'd never drink again and would devote my life to curing AIDs or murdering graham norton.
Nelson was where i found myself on my birthday and as soon as everyone on the coach had found out they set about plotting the quickest and cheapest way to get me paraletic. Tequilla was the simple answer and though im sure it was an awesome night i dont remember much of what happened. Though a german guy who dressed and acted like a stereotypical peado came and sat next to me declaring in his creepy accent that i 'looked like fun!'. desptite the councilling i v started sleeping with a screwdriver.

Friday, 2 July 2010

Filling in the games - part 1 - May in australia

This is my attempt at saving my blog and proving im still alive, so please get youself a cup of tea and pay attention.
Well what happened in may, i found myself spending 3 weeks in Byron bay, working in the arts factory lodge - basically a hot spot for backpackers and traveling bums who love acoustic guitars, bongs and yoga at 5 in the morning. I was also working as a rickshaw taxi driver at night, which turned out to be a money spinning and awesome occupation with unbelievable perks such as half price kebabs. Driving pissed Australians up to the lighthouse, meeting someone from home and away (apparently) and having to go Rambo on two Germans who thought they could ride on my shiny bike, listening to my amazing jokes and enjoying the comfort of my bike AND THEN RUNNING OFF WITHOUT PAYING FOR MY LABOR!!!(found them the next day the shlags) Whilst in Byron i tried surfing but the fact i have no concept of balance and am way too cool for it anyway put an end to that, but our team did when a christian organised beach volleyball competition. After an enlightening day trip to nimbin i awoke for work in a haze, only to discover i had the worst mow-hawk ever created, 36 hours later i was being reunited with my forehead and a shocking tan line.
I fled the bay to coffs harbour, which only tricks tourists into staying due to their enormous banana statue, which was impressive for about a second. I then found myself in Sydney - a really cool and massive city with loads to do, but the opera house is definatley overrated. I then took full advantage of Mouses hospitality in melbourne, the cheeky shit actually has a flat, job and car, even with a face like that. Melbourne was amazing and definatley my favourite place in oz, the night life was mental and obbsessed with sick live music and jugs of snakebite.
With a cheap flight booked to NZ i was gone

Tuesday, 27 April 2010

Contact with the convicts

After a 30 min interview with immigration which saw me outline my background, future ambitions, favourite past times and why I was carrying 120 of the queens finest tetley tea bags I was finally let into oz. Cairns was my first stop and though i didnt see the sun once in 5 days i still had an awesome time indulging in the power hours at rhino bar, togo parties and keg challenges. With accomodation sooo expensive i ended up couch-surfing with a really cool guy who to be fair only tried molestering me a handful of times. He introduced me to the crazy game which is AFL, kangaroo meat and GOON - this australian institution is a 4 litre box of wine which costs aout 7 quid and though contains fish cuts and creates the worst hangovers ever it is the drink of choice for backpackers and tramps a like.
I started heading down the coast and was soon on magnetic island with a group of us hiring a car and seeing the island. Due to jellyfish and other unfriendly sea creatures we all had to wear stinger suits to swim, but whilst snorkelling with schools of multi coloured fish and craping yourself everytime you saw a stingray you soon forgot about you condom-esc suit.
Airlie beach was the next port of call and a 3 day sailing trip around the whitsundays was truely amazing. Watching the first mate jump into swim with sharks, before we ate a squid which jumped on deck and later watching the sunset with a cold beer was enough to see even the hardest man with a tear in his eye. I tried my first dive, and though we only reached 15 metres i manged to see a baby shark and destroy a lot of thousand year old endangered coral. On the last day our boat (british defender) raced its sweddish nemesis (condor) in a bitter battle in rough seas, with the boat on a 45 degree angle we had to hang our legs on the top side to prevent capsizing; although we lost the race it was an awesome day.

Monday, 5 April 2010

The final days in asia - KL and singapore

A night bus which kicks you off at 5 AM isn't the best way to start the day and walking around Kuala Lumper trying to find a hostel which is only known by word of mouth between a select few travellers doesn't improve your mood. 25 minutes later the map a Dutch guy drew me on st patricks day worked suprisingly well as i banged on the door which had 'la village' scrawled on over the peeling paint with a permenant marker. Being eyed up by some man-she monster on the corner I breathed a sigh of relief as the door mysteriously swung open on the 20th knock. No reception or night warden just a traveller going to bed who heared me knocking and said i should sleep on the couch untill morning. When i woke it looked even more like a crack den as strange characters trudged around the ripped leather sofas, which were surrounded by crazy artwork. Still confused someone said they were leaving so i could have their bed, on my way to my dorm i watched people doing yoga, painting pictures, learning instruments and watching films.
After a few hours i met some mental but awesome people and began to realise why every backpacker who'd stayed there had loved it. A crazy lad with tourettes was the sons owner and appeared a few times a day to collect the 2 pound rent, other than that there were no rules or order but it some how worked.
The city was pretty cool and with malaysia being obssessed with world records i saw the worlds biggest flag, indoor roller coaster and hat in my first hour in the city. The indoor theme park was mental and even though there was a 6 foot 3 height restriction i disregarded my safety and spine to go on all the rides. We also went to Batu Caves which was packed with loads of monkies who kept attacking people for their food, the little basterds hustled me for some chips. KL has some massive and amazing shopping malls, so we spent most our days there bowling, going to the cinema and eating sushi. The night life was pretty epic with everyone playing sadistic drinking games such as running man, calypso and ring of fire with three packs of cards in the hostel all made easy when a bottle of vodka is only 2 quid; and the night usually finished in the Regga bar.

Singapore - Clean but very expensive

Thursday, 1 April 2010


I reluctantly dragged myself away from Ko phangan and the aftermath of a mental half moon party in the jungle. After an hours sleep my minibus was beeping his horn outside and in the panic I left my shoes, machette and wash bag behind. 9 hours, 2 boats, 1 bus, 2 minibuses and 2 taxis later we stepped off in the chinatown of Pennang. I breathed a sigh of relief as a few hours earlier me and a jackie chan look-a-like called locky almost got detained at the border as we lost the group and thought we had to enter ourselves. However they were waiting for us on the Thai side unable to cross as they had our backpacks; after 45 minuteswe knewsomething was wrong and as we tryed to go back across the bridge without an exit stamp we got caught in no mans land as neither country would let us back in without an in depth explanation in their mother tongue. Luckily our minibusdriver got words to one of guards and we were rescued by our our heroic yet very annoyed driver.
The food was unbelievable as you strolled through chinatown, little India and the colonial district. Three curries a day was not what the doctor ordered and definatley wan't what your arse wanted to deal with but iswhat its been dealing with for the last week. Being a half arsed Muslim country beer is very expensive, coming inat a mighty 3 pound a bottle for the local brew - JAZZ. Considering accommodation, 3 meals a day and a funky hat struggles to cost more than 6 pounds, we are talking a locals monthly wage to get you pissed.
The stiffling humidity makes the day pass in truely sweaty style but thats what your paying for. Did the cultural thing of visiting a fort and a few museums only to learn us Brits were pretty awesome. A really cool national park was worth the bus ride as gorgeous beaches and crazy wildlife(monkies, jelly fish/ snakes) kept us on our toes. Alls well and good, hoping to be in kuala luimper by tomorrow morning though im so tight im trying to turn a 6 hour bus journey into my accomodation for the night. Laters xx